Holy fucking shit!

Having my head bagged, getting electrocuted, and entering a giant vagina. Rob Zombie’s Great American Nightmare was easily one of the most refreshing haunted houses I’ve been through.

Also, if anything written so far is offensive to you in any way don’t bother visiting this attraction because, as the “PUSSY EXIT” sign on the attraction declares, this is not for meek.

So let’s backtrack:

I hadn’t heard anything about this event until about two weeks ago aside from the one flyer I was sent, I was curious but not dying to go. I’ve seen all of Rob Zombie’s movies (“House of 1000 Corpses” is my absolute GO-TO horror film), I’ve been through all his mazes at Universal Studios ( I’m talking EVERYTHING, from the Corpses maze back in 2000 up until last year’s version), and I’m familiar with his music (enough to appreciate this crazy guy who gave me nightmares as a kid when his videos popped up on TV). Overall I would say I’m a quiet fan of Rob and his madness and was very excited to go. So flash forward to the event itself- located somewhat out of the way at the Pamona Fairplex, you find this event quietly nestled in-between ongoing fairground events.

There are 3 billed mazes, all of which are Rob Zombie films and they include – Lords Of Salem, El Superbeasto 3D, and finally House of 1000 corpses.

SPOILERS FOR ALL MAZES BELOW, IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE SPOILED DON’T READ!!!!!

Lords Of Salem

Before you enter the maze you zig-zag back and forth in front of Sheri-Moon Zombie’s character from “Lords.” She stands in her skeleton makeup and torn up sweater high above the crowd lost in a demonic trance. The soundtrack to this film was horrifying, and to hear it blaring from inside the maze along with sounds of actual electrocution got me super nervous and excited.

Every time a demon would wander in front of the fake Sheri-Moon in the crowded line she would catch notice and start screaming at the top of her lungs and drop to the floor crying. I can’t even tell you what a good job they did with her, she was ripped straight out of the film and I was mesmerized.

Finally you enter the maze. You’re lined up on numbered floor plates in groups of up to 6. (WTF Universal!? Why have you not done this??? Was so organized and felt like I was entering a haunted house as I would a ride, and not ushered through like cattle.)

You enter through an oversized demon skull and catch a quick glimpse of the haunted apartment hallway from the film. You are soon gathered in a line inside an all black room with the numbers 666 flashing in front of you lighting up the now infamous PUSSY EXIT sign. What made me actually contemplate my desire to move onwards was the next part.

In order to go inside this first maze you must have a  black sack and jerked over your entire head as if you were on your way to a hanging. You are told if you remove the bag you are removed from the house. This shit was CRAZY!

You are shoved into a house completely blind. It’s now up to us to find our way through and let me tell you this maze was filled with monsters touching you, yelling at you, following you, and TOUCHING you! YES! TOUCHING!!!

The absolute craziest part of this maze was if you touch certain walls you GET ELECTROCUTED!!!! They purposely try and make you feel like you’re going to fall and when you reach out to grab something be careful because the walls are charged and ready to shock the shit out of you! I could not believe this was possible!!! The maze ends after what seems like forever when the bag is ripped from your head by another demon and you are left in front of an absolute shockingly haunting visual from the film that totally had my jaw wide open.

Bravo Rob this was fucking awesome!!!!

El Superbeasto in 3D

This being a 3D maze was AWESOME. The entrance to this haunted house is a GIANT VAGINA!

You enter in-between two giant legs by what I imagine is another Sheri-Moon influenced character and damn they did another amazing job with her!!! She asks, ” DO YOU LIKE PUSSY???!!!! THEN GET INSIDE MY PUSSY!!!” followed by the infamous Sheri-Moon giggle.

You enter through a tight vibrating inflated slit ( I KID YOU NOT ! ITS AN ACTUAL SLIT IN-BETWEEN TWO INFLATED PLASTIC WALLS YOU HAVE TO PUSH THROUGH WHILE THE WALLS VIBRATE LOUDLY) and once inside you are greeted with 3d glasses.

I don’t want to give away everything in this maze but some highlights included the chair room, the gun room, and the hall of fame. Inside the chair room you are asked by one of many sexy young women if you would like to sit in her chair. If yes, she ushers you towards the over-sized Pee-wee Herman-esq arm chairs that has a cutesy face on it. We saw one girl who sat on it and as soon as she did the chair stands up and is revealed to be alive and it screams, “FUCK YOU STUPID FAT BITCH WHORE, GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE YOU STUPID UGLY BITCH FAT WHORE”

The rest of this maze includes obscene overly sexed visuals and jokes, everything from fake dildos to getting dry-humped by monkeys with over-sized balls, I could not believe they could do any of this!!! It was like there were no rules! The production value was on point!

Overall this maze was not at all scary but absolutely the most fun and laughter I’ve had in weeks.

Haunt of 1000 Corpses

Before entering this maze you are greeted by a tranny version of Sheri-Moon’s character Baby (what I imagine was his own jab at his wife) and she/he asks you, “Do you like to be touched? DO YOU? DO YOU?!!!!” and if you answer yes the demon zombie guy from the film comes out and grabs you by the forehead and tilts your head back and proceeds to take his “fake” knife and starts to slit an X on your forehead leaving a significant amount of fake blood dripping down your forehead! WTF!!!!!????? I was in complete shock that they could do this!!!!

Soon you enter the gas station/fried chicken shop where you are greeted by Captain Spaulding who begins to talk shit to your face, asking you why you look so fucking stupid and why are you using your phone, “get off your fucking phone you piece of shit or I’m gonna kick your fucking ass” is what he tells me.

Unlike the previous versions of this maze (at Universal Studios Hollywood), this one is all new. Instead of playing out the movie, Rob decided to play out the murder ride from the beginning of the movie, and the maze essentially consists of room to room horror history lessons. Everything from the Manson family murders, John Wayne Gacy, and Zodiac Killer, leading up to Dr. Satan’s Lair.

Standout moments included the scene following the Sharon Tate murder (yes it was absolutely disturbing as hell, you will see a dead pregnant women being hung from the ceiling bleeding all over the floor) and as you exit the house you see a guy dressed as random bush telling you to “shhhh,” and then following this room a woman telling you your fucking crazy because she saw you talking to a bush!

A few other crazy moments included the balloon popping boy scout molesting clown, a hillbilly having sex with a dead corpse, a hallway of animatronic axes, and of course Dr. Satan. Also props to the guy in the Dr. Hyde room, he was so amazing – you would’ve thought Rob Zombie hired him to be in one of his movies, his character dedication and interaction was amazing.

Overall this maze was scary, weird, funny, disturbing, and overall unlike anything your gonna see at a theme park.

In Summary

Overall this event felt somewhat short, but I imagine as it continues with its success it will grow hopefully into a full blown all night event. What made this event so different from anything else was that it felt like there were no rules. You felt unsafe, you felt offended, and on top of the THEY WERE ALLOWED TO TOUCH YOU!!!! I was shoved, had my hair fondled, had my face cut open, and was verbally abused all throughout. This was fresh, it was new, and I highly recommend it. Also you get a free carousel ride after the mazes if you’d like…woot woot!

Pros

• They sell booze
• They can touch you
• They have hundreds of Halloween types of merchants and vendors
• They have an outdoor classic horror theater for everyone to watch
• You feel unsafe which makes you feel scared
• Large energetic scare zones
• Meet and greets ( they had the cast form Sons of Anarchy here tonight)
• Lots of good food
• Horror Props and decorations everywhere ( was so fun I could’ve spent an hour alone looking and posing with these)

Cons

• Its far as hell for those of us in L.A. ( may I suggest doing Octoberfest after and making it a night)
• A little pricey ( but it includes admission into a free concert every night by pretty legit bands ( Rob Will be performing on the last night)
• Goes by pretty quick
• $10 parking (parking for fair grounds)

Click here for tickets and info from Rob Zombie’s Great American Nightmare’s official site.