The Dreaded Listicle Review of the Queen Mary Dark Harbor 2017

Few things are more reviled in the world of internet journalism than the listicle. Neither list nor article, this horror shambles through the world as an outcast, neither fish nor fowl (foul?), and readers can only hope to derive use from it in a fast, informative way. Coincidentally, what you’re reading now is a mere listicle about the Queen Mary Dark Harbor—and we’ll examine what you need to know about going and enjoying this top-class Halloween haunt. (And if you’re skipping it in favor of “bigger venues,” you’re only cheating yourself.)

Let’s begin by acknowledging that there’s all sorts of little things you can enjoy at a quality haunted attraction. Good food, good music, good performances (hey, we saw a wonderful aerialist, among other things, on press preview night!). You can even enjoy sitting down for a crazy 4-D movie experience, like the effects-filled PANIC! extravaganza.


You can even look into the streets and open areas of the haunt and examine the quality of the monsters and sliders. (Great at this site, from top to bottom.) We’ve all come to expect a lot from wandering monsters, and sliders are called on to do bigger and better stunts—the Queen Mary delivers, certainly.


But at the bloody gut core of things, the haunt enthusiast wants to know how the mazes are. And here, the answer is—damn good.


There are seven of them. At the top…

Young Mary would like to play with you — in “Lullaby…”

“Lullaby”—No question, this journey into the death of a little girl passenger is just a winner. It’s got scares, it’s got slow-burn creepouts, and it’s got a sense of melancholy. You won’t want to miss it.


“Soulmate”—Creepy starlet Gale has her story front and center here, and it’s got everything you need: Glamour, ghoulishness and a sense of production value that really impresses while the fright builds.


“Feast”—New kid on the dock, Chef’s “Feast” is about as nauseating as they come and has plenty of visceral thrills. This one is a priority.

“Intrepid”—It’s a workhorse kind of maze, with plenty of good shocks and jumps in it. Highly recommended.


“B340”—Nicely realized journey into the mind of an insane ghost… some will find it excessively disturbing.


“Deadrise”—A high-energy haunt aboard an escort ship inhabited by its dead crew. A little sparse at points on review night, but you could feel the good, strong haunter energy here.


“Circus”—To be the least impressive haunt at Queen Mary’s Dark Harbor is no dishonor… the performers in “Circus” really give it their all, and if the theme isn’t quite as sharp and distinctive as the others in the attraction, the performances are still chilling.


Overall, it’s clear that if you want a good, solid haunt experience without waiting all night in lines or spending a month’s rent on the evening, you want to visit Queen Mary Dark Harbor and have yourself a Halloween ball. Book a berth aboard the haunted ocean liner tonight, you’ll never regret it…

The ghosts of Queen Mary Dark Harbor.